For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook