Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
huge if true: the moon
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days