i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Finally!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
so this horse walks into a bar
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.