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My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?