This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.