when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You Might Also Like
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My typo game is string.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.