I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
This will teach them to underestimate me
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Genius idea!!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day