I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”