Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training