If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You saw nothing. I am ham.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
hmmm
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
starting a garage orchestra
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to