Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide