Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You Might Also Like
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!