[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.