Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Oh we’ve met.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today