When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
lol
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
that de-escalated quickly
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”