Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.