Sign of the day..
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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden: