having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Van Gone
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄