Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.