3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.