[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”