My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me irl
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.