I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE