Doctors texting each other.
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
this country is so goddamn polarized
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me redecorating every room in my mind
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.