there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.