Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster