in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????