somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.