“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.