[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Bring back the McRib
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS