Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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emergency phone
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”