It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.