“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.