Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.