“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.