Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.