god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you