Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.