A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
A ghost story
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
When can I start eating bats again.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.