friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?