[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.