*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.