Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.