model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Oh hi lol
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one