COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”