My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
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I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’m about to risk it all
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”