me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Favourite diary entry ever
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.