My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed