Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You Might Also Like
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.