How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
i think both sides are to blame here
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday